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gambling related humor |
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The Mute - A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling
in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not
to return with the others, but took a later plane home --
arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard
of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The
following morning he walked outside and found only an empty
hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the
house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the
same street lived a professor who understood sign language
and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the
enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him
to the deaf man's house.
"You
tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000
I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his
friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard,
underneath the cherry tree."
The
professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's
not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
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Mary Lou - A man was quietly reading his paper when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What
was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece
of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written
on it", she replies.
"Two
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks
satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the
house.
Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell
was that for?" "Your horse phoned."
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Bill Gates chooses heaven or hell - Bill Gates arrives
at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: you see Bill,
we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven"
or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring
men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and
sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and
most of all, gambling. So Bill says: I'm a gambling man, I
want to go to hell! Once in hell, bill is immediately thrown
into the fire. So Bill says: hey, what the heck is this, i
saw all the gambling, the women, and sex? The devil says:
'that was just a demo version." |
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Dog poker - Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence
of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was
a great dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker,
but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a
bright dog like that? a dog like that would be worth a million
dollars." "Had to," he replied, "caught him using marked
cards!" |
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Dog's
hand - A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game
at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog
sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks
closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then
the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then
the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling,
raising, discarding, everything the other human players were
doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any
mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just
treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not
longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to
one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker,
he must be the smartest dog in the world!" the player smiled
and said, "he isn't that smart, every time he gets a good
hand he wags his tail." |
>
Little
old lady bets the bank - A little old lady goes into the
Chase Manhattan bank, and says she wants to open a savings
account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like
to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says,
"three million dollars." The accounts person is startled,
and says, "in what form?" and the little old lady says, "cash.
I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks
and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock
full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly
unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to
get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives,
and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it
personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady
where she got so much money. She says, "gambling." "Gambling?",
he says. "What sort of gambling?" "oh, I make bets with people
on all sorts of things, and I usually win. for example, i've
got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your
balls will be square, and i'll even give you 4:1 odds. You
got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" the bank president
is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little
old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase
Manhattan bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose
I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but
I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way
you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook
the bag, and said, "I know what i'm doing...and I can afford
to lose, though i'm not going to. Is it a bet?" "ok, have
it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on
it. "See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old
lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger
man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's
office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one.
He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every
few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness,
but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of
times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When
the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he
had won. "Come in, please have a seat! wWo might this gentleman
be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. for a bet of this
size I want to have a witness. Any objections?" "No, perfectly
understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon,
and I'm still unchanged, so i guess Iwin!" he said happily.
"not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand
I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in
her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants.
The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel
the organs in question. "Ok, you win, here's your $100,000,"
says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As
she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the
wall and moaning. "What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I
had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the president
of the Chase Manhattan bank by the balls by noon today." |
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Lottery
guy - A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His
business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate he decides to ask god for help. He begins
to pray... "god, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody
else wins it. Joe again prays... "god, please let me win the
lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to
lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has
no luck. Once again, he prays... "my God, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. my wife
and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help
and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just
let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life
back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of
God Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this! Buy a ticket." |
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The
blonde and the two dealers - Two bored dealers are waiting
around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps
table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She
says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist
down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new
pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging
each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that she picks
up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just
stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
"what did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know.
I thought you were watching the dice!" |
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The
marriage bet - There's the touching story of the young
man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you won't marry me."
The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised
him five! |
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The
tip - A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen
count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was
appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, when I get
bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I
get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with
it so why should I tip him?" the dealer said. "When you eat
out do you tip the waiter?" "yes." "Well then, he serves you
food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but,
the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight." |
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>
Angry
Old Women -
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say
f*ck?
A:
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!>
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Professional Gambler - During the Great Depression,
there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked
up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like
to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender
said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the
Depression, so I'll need to see some money first".
The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the
bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing.
"Where did you get all that money?" asked the
bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied
the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing!
I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well,
I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like
what?" asked the bartender?
"Well,
for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the
guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw,
you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy
his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you
another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the
stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well,
I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here.
I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false
teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again".
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just
take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50",
said the man.
With
that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better
part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled
up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender,
I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I
can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that
whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling
a drop".
The
bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't
even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK,
you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on
one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the
bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into
the whiskey bottle.
The
bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey
pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the
bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys
in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you
AND the bar and still make you laugh!"
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